This is my story of struggling with my gender identity. It isn’t going to be the typical story you hear, because I guess I’m sort of a late bloomer in the non-gender portion of the population. I’m just beginning to embark on my journey, and have only had the courage to discuss this openly with a couple close friends. I haven’t come out publicly to many people because I wasn’t certain what I was until just recently.
I am neutrois—what less politically correct sources claim to be “the transsexual of the non-gender demographic”. Some refer to me as a third kind of gender. Well, I suppose if that helps them understand me, then I guess it holds some truth. But I personally don’t identify with any gender. In fact, I physically attempt to hide all aspects of myself that portray gender. I’ve changed my name, wear baggy clothes, sports bras that smoosh my top half, and desire to change some physical aspects of my body that are tied to characteristics of womanhood. I have dysphoric struggles with parts of myself that scream “gender”, physically as well as socially.
While I was born with female organs and assigned female as a gender, I was never able to fully claim it as my correct identity. I don’t feel attached to a male gender identity either. None of them were right for me. Even in high school, I wore clothes, dressed up as, and went by a name that was neutral. I hated my name because of how girly it sounded. I felt it made me weak because of how much I hated it, made me a freak or forced me to be something I wasn’t. Someone saying it was like nails on a chalkboard. Once one of my friends stated that he didn’t (and even couldn’t) see me as an actual gender, that I’m just me. At first I thought what he said was bizarre, but not long after that I understood it to be true. I don’t belong in the binary.
When I turned 18, changing my name to something neutral was the first thing I did and I don’t regret doing it. On paper I’ve been confused with male and female, people don’t know how to pronounce my name or where it even comes from, which can get frustrating but it was much preferable over my birth name. Now I’m at a point in my life where I long to sterilize myself (this is the transition portion of neutrois, I suppose).
For a while I wondered if perhaps I was simply agender with an occasional display of feminine qualities. However I feel like agender represented more a person who was opting out of gender, but didn’t display any dysphoric qualities in their mentality. I have qualities physically about myself that I want to change. I hide a lot of my sexual features because I don’t want to be associated with feminine unless I choose to be (which is relatively rare). I hate the way men on the street look at me if I appear to be female. I hate having everything I do associated with being female and feminine gender requirements/expectations associated with me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate feminine qualities/women in general, I just hate MY physical feminine/female qualities.
I do, however, have demi-girl qualities from time to time, but that doesn’t make my connection to a neutrois identity any less true. I do have previous experiences with sexual assault and harassment that have damaged me to the point where I no longer wish to be seen as a woman. But my traumatic experiences don’t make my neutrois identity any less true. And being neutrois doesn’t default me to asexual or aromantic. Not all neutrois folks are that way. I have emotions. I have sexual desires. I’m ok with most of my body except for the fact that I have a womb and can be impregnated (which I intend to change). But the fact remains that I am neither male nor female. I’m not “inbetween”. I’m not “going through a phase”. I am neutrois.
People without gender exist. We have struggles. We deserve to be seen and respected, just like any other human out there.